Throwback Thursday. Sniffles style.

Since it’s Throwback Thursday I thought I’d share an experience I had about 10 years ago. You ever fuck a guy who claims to be a dynamo but then when it gets down to brass tacks he’s faster than a quick shooter at a gun range? This is about that…and fucking that type of guy with my disabled mother in the adjacent room.

I was dating this guy…we’ll call him one ear. Because he only had one ear. The other was wax. It clicked on and off. Yeah…

So anyways, to set this up for you my mother was recovering from a knee replacement in our family room, which is connect to the living room by way of a wide open kitchen. She was kind of doped up but conscious enough to know one ear and I were in the dining room watching TV. He was one of those guys who could initiate had no follow through.

So one day, after months of secret rendezvous and make out sessions in my garage on top of our deep sea diver, he decided to make a move. Now, even back then I was a horn dog. So when he slipped his hand under my dress and worked his way up my thigh, my lady bits started revving. He went as far as the crotch of my panties and just rested his hand there…like it was my knee or something. I think my thought process was, “ok, are you gonna pat it and tell me how proud you are of me? Slide them panties to the side and fingerbang the hell out of me!”

This went on for about 30 minutes…until I pushed his hand out of the way and hopped on top of him. I think it surprised him because I’ve never seen a man blush so hard…meanwhile, my mother is still watching judge judy in the next room.

As we’re making out I start to grind my hips on him, and he started to moan…loud enough to snap my mom out of her Vicodin induced coma and ask, “what the hell was that??”…you try to tell her it was something on Jenny Jones while a dude has his tongue down your throat and finger in your pussy. It’s not easy to be convincing.

Even though she’s awake that wasn’t enough to stop Herbie (my vagina — long story). I was going to get it in if it killed me or not.

So we go back to each other. I’ll say that in hindsight, he was incredibly awkward with me in this position. He kept trying to figure out where else to put his hands and eventually gave up and just sat there like a limp fucking fish….with a raging boner.

When I thought he was ready to go, I whipped his dick out of his pants and positioned myself so I could lower myself onto him. What I didn’t realize was that as soon as he entered me, he’d let out the loudest “oh fuck…I love you”. I’ve never had to shut a guy up during sex, but I damn near shoved my fist down his throat to muffle his sounds of ecstasy.

You should know something about me, I have no rhythm, rarely ever get off on being on top and really have been lucky enough to fuck guys who weren’t interested in me being on top…so I’m no shakira, shakira with my hips. But I rode him like I was a hooker with rent due in the morning.

I will say that when I have been on top, the motion that gets me closest to getting off is this oval type of hip rotation. Something about the feeling of a man touching every single inch of my vagina just feels like cupcakes and sprinkles and glitter. Everything good in the world is in that gyration.

So I’m riding one ear on the couch, with my fist in his mouth and the other hand gripping his hair so his head is cocked back. The harder and faster I ride, the more I realize I’m thisclose to cumming. THISCLOSE. And we’ve only been going at it steady for a few minutes, maybe five at most. When all of a sudden he digs his fingers into my hips, tosses me on my back and have me 2 quick, short pumps. And that’s it. It happened so quick I didn’t even have time to fake anything.

The worst part was afterwards…when not only did he tell me to finish myself off for him (uhm, you do it motherfucker, you’ve got a mouth and two hands), but when my mother decided that NOW would be her first time trying to walk post surgery. She walked into the room to see what the commotion was, said it smelled weird and then hobbled out.

I was so disappointed after that experience that I broke up with him a week later…accidentally on his birthday…but not before I got to see him without his ear on.

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